Sunday, August 31, 2008

Headlines...


Malaysian man gets nut stuck around penis

After that headline, do you even need a story?
I won't post the actual article because it's............. gruesome, but it boils down to a welder who placed a nut (as in nuts and bolts) around his penis hoping to lengthen it...
You have to wonder sometimes how much thought is put into headlines-- they need to catch your attention obviously, but sometimes it seems they try a little too hard... or maybe they don't try hard enough:
"Man with gunshot to mouth seeks help at business but won't talk."
"Cops arrest white woman on warrant for black man."
"Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism."
"County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds."
"Volunteers search for old Civil War planes."
"Lobbyists offer legislators cash at ethics session."
"Prisoner serving 2,000-year sentence could face more jail time."
"Meeting on open meetings is closed."
"DOE to do NEPA's EIS on BNFL's AMWTP at INEEL after SRA protest."
"No benefits for ill man. Agency says terminal illness not severe enough."
"Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum."
"Students cook & serve grandparents."
"Cemetery residents making a comeback."
"Ten Commandments -- Supreme Court says some OK, some not."
"Minneapolis gym class is now offered online"
"Forecasters call for weather on Monday."
"Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison."
"Most doctors agree that breathing regularly is good for you."
"Electrical fault blamed for fire in Hell"
"Ex-Minister Breaks Silence, Says Nothing."
"Superintendent: If we don't change, we'll remain the same."
"Governor says Mell investigation should proceed despite apology mpcilchsflsnh."
"Funeral Homes Bring Cheer To Senior Citizens."
"Texans support death penalty, but only for the guilty."
"Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons."
"Health officials say flammable water is okay to drink."
"Bladder control causes Sunset Beach flooding."
"U.N. issues report to stop issuing so many reports."
"Protect yourself from summer fun."
"Alton attorney accidentally sues himself."
"Gorillas of Rwanda lecture at Denver Musuem of Natural History."
"Ethics ordinance won't apply to elected officials."
"Looking for some 'sheep' fun?"
"Teen learns to live with stuTTTering."
"Puerto Rican teen named mistress of the universe."
"Wetlands too damp."
"Slaying suspect wants to plead guilty, but not that guilty."
"Police arrest everyone on February 22."
"Horses: Perfect eats for race day."
"Gasoline station will offer mammograms."
"One armed man applauds the kindness of strangers."
"Weber arson suspect to plead guilty or not guilty."
"But Hole will eventually be closed."
"Canine won't testify in man's arson trial."
"Colon absorbs another pounding."
"Rain would ease drought conditions."
"Elizabeth Dole had no choice but to run as a woman."
"Gas company behind bean supper."
"Killer biscuits wanted for attempted murder."
"Statistics shows that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25."
"Fish need water, Feds say."
"Critics say sunken ship not seaworthy."
"Doctors urge wider colon tests."
"Collecting horse urine is a little work but it beats milking cows, Leslie Johnsons says."
"A voter approved measure for voter approval doesn't require a vote."
"Grandmother of eight makes hole in one "
"Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing "
"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers "
"House passes gas tax onto senate "
"Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan "
"Two convicts evade noose, jury hung "
"William Kelly was fed secretary "
"Milk drinkers are turning to powder "
"Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted "
"Quarter of a million Chinese live on water "
"Farmer bill dies in house "
"Iraqi head seeks arms"
"Queen Mary having bottom scraped "
"Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? "
"Prostitutes appeal to Pope "
"Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over "
"NJ judge to rule on nude beach "
"Child's stool great for use in garden "
"Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors "
"Soviet virgin lands short of goal again "
"Organ festival ends in smashing climax "
"Eye drops off shelf "
"Squad helps dog bite victim "
"Dealers will hear car talk at noon"
"Enraged cow injures farmer with ax"
"Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests "
"Miners refuse to work after death"
"Two Soviet ships collide - one dies "
"Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter "
"Never withhold herpes from loved one "
"Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy "
"Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 "
"Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better "
"If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while "
"War dims hope for peace "
"Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency "
"Cold wave linked to temperatures "
"Child's death ruins couple's holiday "
"Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years "
"Man is fatally slain "
"Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say "
"Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation "
"Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says"
"Psychics predict world didn't end yesterday"
"Sun or rain expected today, dark tonight"
"Soap and water still cleans well"

4 comments:

MSC said...

All I can say is "OUCH!" That's the kind of thing that makes me involuntarily cross my legs. Thanks a lot!

Lisa_mynx said...

hey, be glad i left out the gruesome details-- like how it got stuck because he had an erection and they had to drain the blood out and flay the skin off to remove the nut :P

MSC said...

Yea - it's a good thing you left those details out. Thanks!

joe bloke said...

eek!